1 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,160 -It's so lovely to finally meet you. -Yeah, great, likewise. 2 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:10,560 God, doesn't the smell of school make you want to kill yourself? 3 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,839 -Where's Marion tonight? -Your guess is as good as mine. 4 00:00:15,919 --> 00:00:18,760 Apparently my mother no longer has any interest in maintaining 5 00:00:18,839 --> 00:00:22,000 the welfare of my children. Look... I can't... I can't be here long, 6 00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:24,760 I've got a massive thing to prep for work, 7 00:00:24,839 --> 00:00:27,160 so if you could just sort of stick to the headlines. 8 00:00:27,239 --> 00:00:28,879 Just the lowdown. 9 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,440 Like, a sneak peek, I suppose. 10 00:00:30,519 --> 00:00:33,560 Basically, what would the trailer be for this parents' evening? 11 00:00:35,679 --> 00:00:37,640 I'm not sure, if you don't mind me saying, 12 00:00:37,719 --> 00:00:40,200 I don't really understand your parenting style. 13 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,439 Because you're never here, and when you are, you're late, 14 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,840 and you barely get involved in any of the school activities so... 15 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,759 OK, OK. I think I know what this is about. 16 00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,320 Is this because I forgot to buy you a bottle of wine at Christmas? 17 00:00:49,399 --> 00:00:50,840 -No, it's because... -If it is, 18 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,119 I really don't think that's very fair, because I didn't know 19 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,159 about the present-giving culture at this school. 20 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,439 -It's not. -What do you want me to do? 21 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:59,079 Do you want me to bring you an apple every day? 22 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:01,560 Do you want me to tip you at Christmas, like the binmen? 23 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:04,840 -Pardon? -Oh, God, it's like a bloody racket here. 24 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,640 What is this?! Can you all just back off a bit? 25 00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,560 It's not the Antiques Roadshow. 26 00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:12,400 Jesus! 27 00:01:20,719 --> 00:01:23,640 -Anne's doing the drinks? -Oh, for God's sake. 28 00:01:23,719 --> 00:01:26,519 -Anne's measures are too small. -It's not Glastonbury, Liz. 29 00:01:26,599 --> 00:01:31,519 Exactly! It's a bloody school fundraiser. We need alcohol, Kevin, proper measures. 30 00:01:31,599 --> 00:01:34,040 You were the one who said Anne should do the drinks last time. 31 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,079 I was going by her being Irish, it's before I knew her. 32 00:01:37,159 --> 00:01:39,719 Am I going insane? 33 00:01:39,799 --> 00:01:42,920 That looks like Caroline Lacy. 34 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,879 Caroline, yeah, Rueben's mum. Just come back from Thailand. 35 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,599 Thailand for a family holiday --dear, oh, dear. 36 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:51,760 Caroline Lacy goes to our school? 37 00:01:51,840 --> 00:01:53,680 -Hi, babe. -Do you know her? 38 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,120 Do I know her?! How do you NOT know her? 39 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,560 I do know her, we're talking about her because we know her. 40 00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:01,200 -And you don't. -Excuse me, Liz, I know her, 41 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:04,920 we started with the same company together. We were quite close at one point. 42 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,439 Until she won every bloody award going. Follow me, kids. Caroline! 43 00:02:09,159 --> 00:02:11,159 Hello! Hi. 44 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,240 Hello, you! I didn't know you went to this school. 45 00:02:14,319 --> 00:02:16,800 Yeah! Yeah, I do. These are mine. 46 00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:19,039 What? I thought they were Marion's? 47 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,560 No, no, that's my mother. 48 00:02:22,039 --> 00:02:24,319 -Oh! Love Marion. -Who doesn't? 49 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:27,120 Here we go. See you around. 50 00:02:27,199 --> 00:02:28,960 Yes, see you around! 51 00:02:30,199 --> 00:02:31,840 She remembered me! 52 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:34,120 -Didn't say your name. -What? 53 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,719 -Didn't she? I'm sure she did. -No. Unless your name is "Around". 54 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:52,560 Is this You've Been Framed? 55 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:55,719 No, no, that was my wedding. That's my dad. 56 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:00,240 Oh, God! That cake looks nice. 57 00:03:00,319 --> 00:03:03,319 I might go and get some cake, unless you want to share that with me? 58 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,240 No, I want to eat all of it on my own. 59 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:06,680 Pig! 60 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,360 I think that's the meeting for the fundraiser. 61 00:03:10,439 --> 00:03:11,759 Shouldn't we be over there? 62 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,919 I'm doing drinks, you're doing the cloakroom. 63 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,719 Why do we need to go to a meeting? 64 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:19,360 And don't complicate it, Kevin. They hate it when you complicate things. 65 00:03:19,439 --> 00:03:21,039 Why would you want to get involved? 66 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:23,840 -Well, you have to do your bit. -Do you, though, do you really? 67 00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:26,080 -Yeah, you do. -Do you, though? 68 00:03:26,159 --> 00:03:28,439 -Yes. -I'm just going to go over and... 69 00:03:29,639 --> 00:03:30,840 I'll just go over. 70 00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,639 Do you, though? 71 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:37,159 Fundraiser! 72 00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,319 -Kevin! -I'm so sorry. 73 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:42,520 -You frightened Anne. -I'm all right. 74 00:03:42,599 --> 00:03:44,280 -I'm so sorry, Anne. -I'm fine now. 75 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:46,759 I'm just saying, you know... 76 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:48,599 Here we go. 77 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:49,840 Let's do it. 78 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,159 Let's do it for all the kids who need this kind of specialised 79 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:57,719 -equipment in the music room. -You're doing the cloakroom, right? 80 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:58,800 -Yes. -Great. 81 00:03:58,879 --> 00:04:01,919 -See you tomorrow. -Yes, yes. See you tomorrow. 82 00:04:03,759 --> 00:04:05,719 Oh, dear. What happened? 83 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,520 I don't... 84 00:04:07,599 --> 00:04:08,800 really know. 85 00:04:14,599 --> 00:04:15,719 What's going on there? 86 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,439 Charlie and Manus are best friends since Manus got a drone. 87 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,680 So me and Cersei Lannister are being civil for the children. 88 00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:23,360 Manus! 89 00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,800 That's weird. 90 00:04:31,879 --> 00:04:33,839 -What? -Well, it's just whenever... 91 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:38,720 No. Forget it. I'm being paranoid. 92 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:42,079 Go on, what is it? Tell me. Maybe I can... 93 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,759 Caroline! 94 00:04:44,759 --> 00:04:46,160 Hello! Again. 95 00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,040 Hi. Not working today? 96 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,519 Not today, Spoken Orchid are pretty good with flexitime. 97 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,480 Don't work Fridays, do half day Wednesdays. 98 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,879 Essentially means I've got a three-day week. 99 00:04:54,959 --> 00:04:57,680 Oh, that's sick! That's brilliant. 100 00:04:57,759 --> 00:04:59,920 Yeah, it stops me running around like a mental patient. 101 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,600 God, yeah, I imagine it does. 102 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,480 -Have you heard about this fundraiser? -Oh, God. 103 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:05,800 No way... 104 00:05:05,879 --> 00:05:08,560 -I'm organising it. -...would I miss that, 105 00:05:08,639 --> 00:05:11,439 because I think we have to do our bit. 106 00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:14,279 As parents, we have to do our bit. 107 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:16,839 -Got to. -Anything I can do, just say the word. 108 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,839 We're having a planning meeting, if you'd like to come to that. 109 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:20,720 You bet I would! Any time. 110 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,439 Over there. 111 00:05:22,519 --> 00:05:24,079 Oh, it's happening now. 112 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,439 Er, OK, yeah. I'll just get my bits and bobs. 113 00:05:30,439 --> 00:05:32,040 She still hasn't said your name. 114 00:05:36,399 --> 00:05:38,279 Should... should Kevin come? 115 00:05:44,519 --> 00:05:47,160 I'd like to take this opportunity to be a little bit creative, 116 00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:51,120 and think a little bit outside the box, as it were. 117 00:05:51,199 --> 00:05:55,319 Last year I was Nibbles King, do you remember? 118 00:05:55,399 --> 00:05:59,279 I had all the bags of crisps and nuts pinned to me. 119 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:00,920 That was fun, wasn't it? 120 00:06:02,319 --> 00:06:05,360 But I thought this year, I'd go one better... 121 00:06:05,439 --> 00:06:07,120 human cloakroom. 122 00:06:08,839 --> 00:06:10,240 So everyone puts their coats on me, 123 00:06:10,319 --> 00:06:13,399 instead of hanging them up in the cloakroom. 124 00:06:13,480 --> 00:06:15,959 I wear everyone's coats! 125 00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:19,720 What a sight! And then when everyone's ready to go, 126 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,959 the cloakroom comes to them. 127 00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:26,160 Let's say we charge a pound a coat. 128 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:28,759 Why don't we just charge a pound a coat in the cloakroom? 129 00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:30,199 Why?! 130 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:32,959 My God, Amanda. 131 00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:35,120 Why are there rainbows? 132 00:06:35,199 --> 00:06:36,920 Why is there Ant and Dec? 133 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,279 Because it's fun. 134 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:42,279 It's fun, goodness! Well, I'm going to do it anyway, 135 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,000 so set up a normal cloakroom if you want. 136 00:06:45,079 --> 00:06:48,759 But it's going to have stiff competition from the human cloakroom. 137 00:06:48,839 --> 00:06:52,079 Let the battle of the cloakrooms commence! 138 00:06:53,759 --> 00:06:56,519 Caroline, I just noticed there's no tombola, 139 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:58,199 and I usually do the tombola. 140 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:01,079 Well, I just thought it didn't feel like a tombola sets the right tone, 141 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:03,639 -if that makes sense? -Sure. Of course. 142 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:06,360 I mean, sorry, Amanda, I'm not blocking you. 143 00:07:06,439 --> 00:07:09,279 I just think we should be a bit more ambitious for this one. 144 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,759 This fundraiser is close to my heart, as you know, 145 00:07:12,839 --> 00:07:15,600 with Rueben, and what the music room means to him. 146 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:20,839 -Rueben's mythraxic. -Oh, I'm so sorry. 147 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,680 -Oh, no, it means he's musically gifted. -Oh, how lovely. 148 00:07:23,759 --> 00:07:26,560 Well, I'm more than happy to melt into the background, Caroline. 149 00:07:26,639 --> 00:07:30,120 I don't know, maybe this year I could just... host it. 150 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,920 Is Liz really doing the drinks? Because her measures are demented. 151 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,319 I mean, do you remember the last time she did them? 152 00:07:37,399 --> 00:07:39,199 No. I don't think anyone does. 153 00:07:39,279 --> 00:07:42,279 Ladies, ladies. Is everyone listening? Everyone? 154 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,279 We're talking about prizes now. 155 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:50,199 I really want to make sure we don't get the same old cake sale crap this year. 156 00:07:50,279 --> 00:07:52,519 Can't we just do something a bit fresher? 157 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:56,800 Why don't we make it so that everyone gets a chance to host? 158 00:07:56,879 --> 00:07:58,240 That would be fun, wouldn't it? 159 00:07:58,319 --> 00:08:00,600 -We could all... -We're doing prizes now, Kevin. 160 00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,920 Anyone have any ideas? About prizes? 161 00:08:07,439 --> 00:08:14,000 Just off the top of my head, we could do an... auction of promises. 162 00:08:14,079 --> 00:08:18,639 Like, you get a gardener to promise to trim your hedge, or something. 163 00:08:18,720 --> 00:08:22,160 -OK. -They do it a lot at Hollywood events. 164 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,959 Yeah, I love that. 165 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,000 Like Richard Gere promises to go on his yacht. 166 00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:29,800 Ricky Martin does... something. 167 00:08:30,199 --> 00:08:34,720 Uma Thurman auctioned a kiss at Cannes, and she made 200,000 or something mad. 168 00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:37,879 I love it. We're doing that. 169 00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:40,600 I agree. Let's do it. 170 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:43,240 -I agree. -Agreed! 171 00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,399 There she is! 172 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,960 My saviour! 173 00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:52,159 Auction of promises... brilliant. 174 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:57,440 Oh, please! It's great to be able to contribute to... this cause. 175 00:08:57,519 --> 00:09:01,240 Listen. Between ourselves, Spoken Orchid are looking for people at the moment. 176 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,679 Just in case you want to pass along your resume. 177 00:09:03,759 --> 00:09:07,720 Great, I didn't even know that you were looking for people. 178 00:09:07,799 --> 00:09:09,480 You're coming tonight, right? 179 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:11,759 Am I? I mean, I can. 180 00:09:12,759 --> 00:09:14,759 I mean, I definitely am. 181 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:18,120 I love to do events at the school. 182 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,000 I love being at school, out of hours. 183 00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:23,360 What do you think of this? We thought it would be fun 184 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:26,600 to do a thermometer that showed how much money was coming in. 185 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:29,240 -That is such fun. -Would you mind knocking one up? 186 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,840 Love to. No problem. I've got plenty of time for crafts. 187 00:09:33,919 --> 00:09:36,799 You need to be able to see it from the back of the hall. 188 00:09:36,879 --> 00:09:38,320 Bye. 189 00:09:39,639 --> 00:09:41,159 Still didn't say your name. 190 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,720 Perfect chance there, and all. 191 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,840 Liz, she as good as offered me a job. 192 00:09:44,919 --> 00:09:48,200 She just wants to see your CV so she can find out your name. 193 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,039 -On the roof. -I'm an idiot. 194 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,320 I won't argue with that! Joking! 195 00:09:55,399 --> 00:09:56,879 It happens to the best of us. 196 00:10:04,519 --> 00:10:06,399 Did you see that? 197 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,639 Caroline Lacy, yeah. She's with Spoken Orchid. 198 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,720 Spoken Orchid. I mean, this could be so useful for us, Paul... 199 00:10:18,799 --> 00:10:20,279 I mean, me especially. 200 00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,960 I mean, the flexitime alone could change my life. 201 00:10:24,039 --> 00:10:26,000 I mean, if you could just have them for an hour or so, 202 00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:28,039 that would be great. What do you think? 203 00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:29,120 Julia, I can't. 204 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:32,279 I think this thing's going to go on for another couple of hours. 205 00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,799 Sorry, what is it again? 206 00:10:33,879 --> 00:10:37,399 It's just some team-building bollocks, it never ends. 207 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,000 Baby, I'd better go. 208 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,000 Good luck with the baby-sitter, whatever you want to do, 209 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,399 I'm right behind you. 210 00:10:52,639 --> 00:10:54,360 -Will you be long? -Not at all. 211 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,919 It will be like I've barely left. 212 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,840 Help yourself to beers, the kids are asleep, so... 213 00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,840 I'm not much of a night owl. 214 00:11:00,919 --> 00:11:03,600 Oh, dear. What will keep you awake? 215 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,759 Sherry? Literally, help yourself to anything. 216 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,399 I can't be up late. 217 00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,320 And you won't be, Barbara. 218 00:11:11,399 --> 00:11:14,159 You know, if you're feeling tired, feel free to have a lie-down. 219 00:11:14,919 --> 00:11:16,840 Oh, don't look so worried. 220 00:11:16,919 --> 00:11:19,679 My mother is dead old, she did this for years. 221 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,159 Do you like MasterChef? 222 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,039 Let's get a bit of MasterChef on. 223 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,720 There you go. Egg Wallace. Have fun. 224 00:11:35,799 --> 00:11:37,360 Fantastic. 225 00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:44,200 Actually, if you could help me pop that on, maybe. Brilliant. 226 00:11:48,039 --> 00:11:49,559 Tickets, tickets? 227 00:11:51,279 --> 00:11:53,600 I'll remember, it's fine. I'll remember. 228 00:11:53,679 --> 00:11:56,360 -Thank you. -It's fun, isn't it? 229 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,679 You all right? You look very uncomfortable. 230 00:12:13,759 --> 00:12:15,720 Oh, no, having a great time. 231 00:12:15,799 --> 00:12:18,159 It's fun, isn't it? Isn't it fun? 232 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,480 -Everyone's responding really well to it. -You look like you're melting. 233 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:23,840 -Do you want some water? -Oh, yeah, sure. 234 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,080 I can't bend my arm. 235 00:12:31,519 --> 00:12:33,840 Someone's phone's ringing. 236 00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:36,440 -Don't touch anything, Anne. -I was just looking. 237 00:12:37,759 --> 00:12:40,559 Oh, hey, go easy there now. Your measures are very large. 238 00:12:40,639 --> 00:12:44,039 They're not, they're normal. Normal for a school fundraiser. 239 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:46,279 Yeah, well, just don't get high off your own supply 240 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:47,639 and start acting the giddy goat. 241 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:48,720 Oh, shush. 242 00:12:48,799 --> 00:12:51,879 Last time you did the drinks, I woke up in the park. 243 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,480 My husband was furious. 244 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,039 What is that anyway? 245 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,679 -I don't know. Sangria? -What is sangria? Red wine? 246 00:12:58,759 --> 00:13:01,919 Anything. Sangria's red wine and anything. 247 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,080 In Spanish, sangria means "any old shit". 248 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:08,799 Can I have some alcohol, please? I don't care what. 249 00:13:08,879 --> 00:13:11,360 -I've got just the thing. -Look, I'm manning the thermometer now. 250 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,799 I made it, and I'm working it all night. It's like building your own gallows. 251 00:13:14,879 --> 00:13:16,519 I want to be able to get straight home. 252 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,720 I've got this sleepy-looking old woman looking after the kids. 253 00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:25,279 God, I wish he hadn't put my coat on first. 254 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:37,799 The drinks are out already. 255 00:13:37,879 --> 00:13:40,360 I'd better get a move on before you're all legless! 256 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:44,320 OK. Now. 257 00:13:44,399 --> 00:13:45,480 Can I get a "hey, girl"? 258 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,080 Hey, girl. No? OK... 259 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:53,720 OK, welcome, everybody. 260 00:13:53,799 --> 00:13:55,639 Are we going to have fun? 261 00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:59,519 OK, well, the answer to that question is, you bet we are. 262 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:04,080 Now. We're going to do things a little bit differently this year. 263 00:14:04,159 --> 00:14:08,519 We're doing an auction of promises. 264 00:14:12,799 --> 00:14:16,320 Yeah, just pop your promise on a piece of paper, anything you like, 265 00:14:16,399 --> 00:14:17,919 and stick it in the box. 266 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,919 As you know, it's for a good cause. 267 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:25,039 We've been trying to get a Yamaha keyboard for the music room for a few years. 268 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:27,240 Now... 269 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:30,120 I can see there's only two promises in here so far 270 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,440 so, come on, everybody, let's get those promises in! 271 00:14:34,639 --> 00:14:35,799 OK. Thank you. 272 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:39,000 Have you noticed how Amanda hoses herself down 273 00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,799 every time she interacts with me and my kids? 274 00:14:40,879 --> 00:14:41,879 Does she? 275 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,799 I thought I was imagining it at first, but, yeah. 276 00:14:44,879 --> 00:14:46,799 What are you eating? Are those onion rings? 277 00:14:46,879 --> 00:14:49,240 -Where did you find those? -Found them in the back. 278 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,399 Oh, from 2002. 279 00:14:52,480 --> 00:14:54,080 They're 15 years old?! 280 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:57,840 It's fine. They are 90% E numbers. These crisps will outlive us. 281 00:14:57,919 --> 00:15:01,159 Go on, then. God, no wonder Amanda thinks you're Dirty Jezzy. 282 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,519 A dirty jezzy? 283 00:15:03,639 --> 00:15:05,639 Oh, my dad used to say it. 284 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,279 Short for Jezebel. We were watching Top Of The Pops and he'd say, 285 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:12,000 -"Look at those dirty jezzies." -Exactly, she thinks I'm a dirty jezzy. 286 00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:13,600 Oh, don't let it get to you. 287 00:15:14,919 --> 00:15:17,919 Look, if she was a REAL friend, then it might mean something but... 288 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,360 Coming, Caroline. 289 00:15:41,559 --> 00:15:44,440 -Would you like a drink, Amanda? -I never drink when I'm performing. 290 00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:45,840 -Here you go. -Great. 291 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,840 Do you want to... You can just pop them in the box yourself. 292 00:15:51,399 --> 00:15:53,000 No, you only have to do one. 293 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:56,039 Oh, no. I'm doing Kevin and Julia's for them. 294 00:15:57,279 --> 00:16:00,080 Don't worry. I barely touched them. 295 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:01,120 Sorry? 296 00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,279 -Did you think I was funny? -Yeah, funny! 297 00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:16,600 OK, everybody, I think that's everyone now. 298 00:16:16,679 --> 00:16:18,480 Let's get this show on the road! 299 00:16:19,879 --> 00:16:21,279 Yay, thanks, Caroline! 300 00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:27,320 OK, and our first one is... 301 00:16:27,399 --> 00:16:29,159 Keith Carter. 302 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:31,519 Where's Keith? There he is. Hello, Keith. 303 00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:36,440 And Keith says he'll do a... portrait of your pet. 304 00:16:36,519 --> 00:16:38,039 That sounds rather lovely. 305 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,879 Shall we start the bidding at £10? 306 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:45,360 Anyone? £10. 307 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:49,240 Keith, if someone doesn't have a pet, would you do a family member? 308 00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:50,879 I can't do hands. 309 00:16:51,799 --> 00:16:52,840 OK. 310 00:16:52,919 --> 00:16:54,960 -£10. -And we're off. 311 00:16:58,519 --> 00:16:59,960 There you are. 312 00:17:00,039 --> 00:17:02,080 I've had three people asking for you, 313 00:17:02,159 --> 00:17:04,559 could you please just hang everything up in the cloakroom. 314 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,759 Caroline, are you kidding?! 315 00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:10,920 I've had a brilliant response to the human cloakroom from... 316 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,759 Keith and... 317 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,680 Keith just loved it. 318 00:17:15,759 --> 00:17:18,240 Now, if you'll excuse me. 319 00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:20,559 I need some water. 320 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:28,279 Fantastic, Samantha! There you go. Congratulations! 321 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:34,599 Free haircuts for a week. I wish I'd bid on that one. 322 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,279 Free haircuts for a week? 323 00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:37,839 Isn't that just one haircut? 324 00:17:40,119 --> 00:17:46,119 Ah, this next one is... very exciting. 325 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,599 Kevin Brady. 326 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:48,640 Where's Kevin? 327 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:50,960 Kevin. 328 00:17:52,559 --> 00:17:55,400 Kevin has offered a couple's massage. 329 00:17:56,400 --> 00:18:00,279 Would anyone like a couples massage from Kevin Brady? 330 00:18:00,359 --> 00:18:01,880 I didn't put that in. 331 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:06,480 I'll do it if you want, but I haven't got any training. 332 00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:09,359 I put it in. I put a few in. 333 00:18:09,440 --> 00:18:12,119 Kevin, I presume that you'll come to someone's house, 334 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,039 or do they have to come to you? 335 00:18:15,519 --> 00:18:18,640 OK. Well, we can work that out later. 336 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,240 Shall we start the bidding at... 337 00:18:21,799 --> 00:18:23,640 £25? 338 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,480 Anyone? 339 00:18:25,559 --> 00:18:27,279 £25? 340 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:30,759 Come on, who's up for a lovely couple's massage? 341 00:18:30,839 --> 00:18:32,640 With Kevin. 342 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,799 Give me a drink. 343 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,519 No-one's bidding on this shit. 344 00:18:36,599 --> 00:18:38,880 No offence, Kevin, but come on. 345 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,880 Well, I didn't write it, Liz did. 346 00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,839 You've been very generous so far. 347 00:18:45,920 --> 00:18:49,000 Christ, Anne! What is in that?! 348 00:18:49,079 --> 00:18:50,359 -Liz made it. -We can do this. 349 00:18:50,440 --> 00:18:51,720 I'm watching this thermometer. 350 00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:54,799 If someone bids on this, you have to do it, Liz. 351 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,119 I'm not giving a couple a massage. 352 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,720 OK, well, no bids on that one yet. 353 00:19:00,799 --> 00:19:02,559 Maybe we'll come back for it later. 354 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,480 But thank you anyway, Kevin. 355 00:19:05,559 --> 00:19:06,920 Ladies and gentlemen. 356 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,960 I still haven't done my one yet. 357 00:19:16,599 --> 00:19:17,960 I know. 358 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:20,960 OK. 359 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:29,839 Just a little surprise for later. 360 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:34,200 You saw me after I had the sports jacket? 361 00:19:34,279 --> 00:19:38,519 I think I had the blue anorak on when I saw you. 362 00:19:38,599 --> 00:19:41,119 That's here. How could I have got to this one, 363 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,039 and not got to your one? 364 00:19:44,720 --> 00:19:47,160 Oh, wait. I had to take them all off 365 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,359 when I went to the toilet. 366 00:19:51,279 --> 00:19:52,920 Someone's... phone's ringing. 367 00:19:55,039 --> 00:19:58,680 So that's £45 for a meal for two at Alfresco's, 368 00:19:58,759 --> 00:20:00,799 courtesy of Giuseppe and Lorna! 369 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,240 Thanks, L and G, and congratulations, Nicky. 370 00:20:04,319 --> 00:20:06,079 Enjoy those dough balls. 371 00:20:10,599 --> 00:20:12,039 This is my one. 372 00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,119 I can't believe I did this. 373 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:16,599 Anyway. Bit of fun. 374 00:20:21,799 --> 00:20:23,240 I auction... 375 00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,400 a kiss. 376 00:20:27,839 --> 00:20:29,039 That's right. 377 00:20:30,680 --> 00:20:33,480 A kiss to the highest bidder. 378 00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:38,240 Shall we start the bidding at £50? 379 00:20:38,319 --> 00:20:42,039 Who wants a kiss for £50? 380 00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,400 Anyone? A kiss from a lady. 381 00:20:50,519 --> 00:20:52,039 Oh, come on, don't be shy. 382 00:20:52,119 --> 00:20:53,920 This is for charity. 383 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,680 Anyone? Any bids? 384 00:20:56,759 --> 00:20:58,000 50 pence. 385 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:04,519 Thanks, Liz. Any raise on 50 pence? 386 00:21:05,839 --> 00:21:08,880 Come on, everyone. This is for children, for the music block. 387 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,599 We can get those keyboards. 388 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,039 We're so close, come on. 389 00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:14,519 Anyone? 390 00:21:14,599 --> 00:21:16,640 -£1. -No-one raised it. 391 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:18,599 Oh, 50 pence still. 392 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:22,119 50 pence still. Still 50 pence. 393 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,799 Any raise over 50 pence? 394 00:21:26,079 --> 00:21:27,640 £1? 395 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,720 Does anyone want to bid £1? 396 00:21:29,799 --> 00:21:31,400 -£1. -No-one raised it! 397 00:21:31,480 --> 00:21:34,039 Oh, sorry. Sorry, that's it, isn't it? 398 00:21:34,119 --> 00:21:37,160 Have I won? No-one else is bidding on it. 399 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:39,039 Who else? OK, well. 400 00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:42,319 I think that Liz is having a little bit of fun with me right now, 401 00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,000 because I don't think that 50... 402 00:22:19,799 --> 00:22:21,000 There's that phone again. 403 00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:26,240 Can somebody help me find it? 404 00:22:26,319 --> 00:22:27,680 Look, I really need to leave. 405 00:22:27,759 --> 00:22:31,720 Let's make a real push to get our target up. 406 00:22:31,799 --> 00:22:35,400 We are so close, guys, to getting this keyboard. 407 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:41,319 I know how important music is to our kids, my son, Reuben, 408 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,519 is very musically gifted. 409 00:22:43,599 --> 00:22:46,720 And he really found his voice when he got his first euphonium. 410 00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:50,079 Which, for those of you who don't know, is a dinky little tuba. 411 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:55,400 So let's dig deep, and shell out. 412 00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,680 Can I grab that for a minute? 413 00:22:57,759 --> 00:23:02,599 Sorry. I just wanted to take this opportunity to ask the parents, 414 00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,119 and everybody here, 415 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,720 to give a massive round of applause 416 00:23:06,799 --> 00:23:09,480 to Miss Caroline Lacy, who has 417 00:23:09,559 --> 00:23:12,240 organised this whole bloody thing. 418 00:23:12,319 --> 00:23:13,599 Caroline Lacy. 419 00:23:17,759 --> 00:23:21,160 Thank you. So much. 420 00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:22,839 Shall I do the next promise? 421 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:23,920 Yeah. 422 00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:29,359 This one is from Julia Johnston... 423 00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:30,640 Where's Julia? 424 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:34,640 I'm Julia. 425 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,079 Julia. 426 00:23:37,559 --> 00:23:39,359 Of course. 427 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:42,200 Oh, my goodness. This is an interesting one! 428 00:23:42,279 --> 00:23:45,319 Maid for a week... 429 00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:48,960 You're going to be someone's maid for a whole week? 430 00:23:49,039 --> 00:23:52,079 That's wonderful! Oh, my God! 431 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,240 Julia, thank you. 432 00:23:54,319 --> 00:23:57,000 -What? -That's so good of you. 433 00:23:57,079 --> 00:23:58,960 Sorry, I don't know what's happening now. 434 00:23:59,039 --> 00:24:02,119 I think this is a bit of a special one, so shall we start it at £25? 435 00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:03,720 -£25. -£25! Already! 436 00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:07,079 -I don't know what's happening now. -Any advance on 25? 437 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:08,160 £30. 438 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:13,880 Anyone else like to bid on Julia being your maid for a whole week? 439 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:18,480 -I presume that's weekdays, Julia? -No, I can't be a maid for a week, I... 440 00:24:18,559 --> 00:24:19,599 Any more for any more? 441 00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:22,000 I can't do the thing that I'm moving the arrow for. 442 00:24:22,079 --> 00:24:24,319 -£50. -50, thank you! 443 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,799 -That's wrong as an amount, because I... -I can't... 444 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,200 -£100! -Thank you! 445 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:30,519 -200! -Thank you! 446 00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,000 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 447 00:24:35,079 --> 00:24:38,799 we did it. We hit the target, we did it! 448 00:24:41,119 --> 00:24:45,279 We didn't do it, no. No, no, no, no. We didn't do it. 449 00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:47,599 We didn't do it. I can't be a maid for a week. 450 00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:50,599 I can't do this. I didn't write this. 451 00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:53,920 This isn't me. I didn't do this. I didn't write this. Can I see that? 452 00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,400 Can I see that? Can I see it? 453 00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,880 Can I see it? Thank you. This isn't my handwriting. 454 00:24:57,960 --> 00:24:59,799 Who wrote this? Liz? 455 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:02,720 I'm so sorry. I can't commit to this. 456 00:25:02,799 --> 00:25:07,039 This is some kind of, someone's idea of a very funny joke. 457 00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:13,440 I'm a working mother, and I can't possibly be a maid for a week. 458 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,839 Maybe I could do a Saturday. But I definitely can't do this Saturday, 459 00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:22,599 because we have to go and see my husband's family this Saturday. 460 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:23,839 But I could check my iCal, 461 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,319 there might be a Saturday at the end of September. 462 00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,920 But that would have to be a very, very light pencil. 463 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:32,759 I'm so sorry. It's just the practicalities of... 464 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,960 I'll tell you what. Listen. Why don't we just... 465 00:25:38,039 --> 00:25:41,440 Let's take it off the table, off the table, off the table, off the table. 466 00:25:41,519 --> 00:25:43,240 Let's start again. Let's start again. 467 00:25:43,319 --> 00:25:45,000 Caroline, what's the next promise? 468 00:25:45,079 --> 00:25:46,960 Julia, please can I have the microphone back? 469 00:25:47,039 --> 00:25:48,559 No. I'll bid on it. 470 00:25:48,640 --> 00:25:51,519 Whatever it is, I will bid on it, let's have a little look in the box. 471 00:25:51,599 --> 00:25:53,960 And we have two nights in a cottage in Margate. 472 00:25:54,039 --> 00:25:56,359 What do we need for the total? We need £200. 473 00:25:56,440 --> 00:25:57,920 I'll pay 200! 474 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,119 I'll pay £200! 475 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:03,559 Boom! And we've done it! 476 00:26:04,839 --> 00:26:06,920 We've done it, everybody. 477 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:09,079 Can I get a "whoop, whoop"! 478 00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,400 We did it! 479 00:26:18,480 --> 00:26:20,319 Thank you, Julia. 480 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:21,759 No problem. 481 00:26:21,839 --> 00:26:24,119 It's for a great cause. 482 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,680 I can't believe I just spent £200 on a shit hole in Margate. 483 00:26:26,759 --> 00:26:29,160 That's my summer home. That was my promise. 484 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:40,400 I've a message for the owner of the teal Alice coat. 485 00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:44,400 Your phone went off numerous times. 486 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:49,160 Apparently there's been a flood in your bathroom. 487 00:26:50,839 --> 00:26:54,279 The people downstairs have gone to a hotel for the night. 488 00:26:54,359 --> 00:26:57,960 Your children are safe, the baby-sitter's safe. 489 00:26:58,039 --> 00:27:01,880 The fire brigade have been around, so there's nothing to worry about there. 490 00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,480 The cat is unaccounted for, 491 00:27:04,839 --> 00:27:07,319 but it's unlikely there is a sad ending. 492 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,640 You know cats. 493 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:13,960 But unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the hallway rug is salvageable. 494 00:27:14,039 --> 00:27:18,440 So hit me up at the back of the hall, if you want to call Jenny. 495 00:27:19,519 --> 00:27:23,279 Although she says there's not a lot you can do about it now, so... 496 00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:26,000 so enjoy your evening. 497 00:27:30,519 --> 00:27:33,759 Although the evening is, of course, over.